我没有想要同情你

朋友兼旧同事告诉我巫婆老板一家办丧事（她家婆），问我要不要参加明天的丧礼或捐白金。

我回答两样都不要。人死纵然令人惋惜，但对不起，我没有那么大的胸襟，和曾经无情伤害我的人一起哀悼他亲人的死亡。再说他夫家人多，少我那份白金没什么。

爱不到的你

被一个不喜欢的人喜欢是什么感觉？告诉你，是甜蜜的负担。

有负担是因为知道无法给予他相等的对待，多少觉得愧疚。但无可否认被人重视、被人注意着的感觉满足了我的骄傲，这感觉里头也存有些许的甜蜜成分。

我不讨厌他，但谈爱太远。他是我珍惜的朋友，我自私地不希望我们的友情变质。有时我会刻意地拉远距离，不让我们走得太近，尽量不要让他有错觉。我想他是情绪敏感的。他懂的。他也在保护我们的友情，不敢越雷池一步，有暗示但从未明示。

我不想应旁人的起哄、家人的讥讽而随便谈场恋爱。我也在期待让我脸红心跳的人。我也常想：他是谁？他在哪里？我跟他的故事是什么？问号。待续。

学长的插曲虽然没结果，但却让我明白什么是吸引，什么是超越年少轻狂的喜欢。与其说我喜欢他的人，不如说我喜欢的是他为我带来的感觉。在我最想他的时候，我曾坐在楼梯口傻傻的愣住，静静的聆听自己复杂的心跳，睡不着。我怀念那个吊诡、陌生的感觉。

期待遇上那个我会爱上的人。这个人，至今下落不明。

教师节快乐

今天是教师节。没想到，最后我还是当了教师。人生真奇怪，越想要躲开，有时就越逃不掉。我在高中毕业后当过代课教师，吃尽苦头，从此誓言不要当教师。在我失业、情绪最低靡的时候，也不曾考虑过将履历表寄给教育部。

结果进来这间教育学院，明明申请行政工，却因为缺人手，所以也被抓去教书，即使资历不充足。教了几堂课，感到无比地吃力，更坚信我不适合教书，然而我想短期内，我逃不掉学生们的魔掌。我已经很努力了，一班小鬼还是漠视我的用心，给我不太理想的评语，真是忘恩负义。唉。(会不会是报应啊？我好像也没对自己教师好到去...)

Nonetheless，还是祝自己今天教师节快乐，虽然还是觉得有些不可思议。

The Truth About The Truth

I've just been counselled by a colleague who questioned my work ability. The truth hurts so much.

In a way, I dug my own grave. Cos I volunteered for this project thinking that it would raise my portfolio, but it seems that I've overestimated my abilities. Yes, I do feel useless cos of that. The colleague said he thought very highly of me for this other job that I excelled in a couple of months back under my ex-boss (she left the company to pursue greener pastures).

It really got me thinking. What's wrong with me these days? Have I reached a plateau where my ability is concerned? Can't I push myself further? Then it hit me that I really missed my ex-boss. I guess I was never quite the same after she left. She seemed to know me very well and gave me such fine guidance. Life was great with her. As was with another RO that left even before she did.

For some reason, I'm not so lucky with bosses. I've always met terrible bosses - There was the SPINSTER during my first internship, the MISER during my second internhip, the WITCH during my first FT job, and a couple of other idiots from other temp jobs. But fortunately, I was lucky to meet 2 awesome female bosses here at my current company. They were so nice to me, and gave me so much encourage and praise, and somehow I just did better. Then suddenly they left. One left to start a new portfolio in another dept, and the other left cos she got headhunted. Then I got left with male bosses. Not that they were bad. But they were just not as good. And I know I'm not been as motivated under them. But I didn't realise that it had crept up and manifested in my work performance.

I still like this organisation, this is heaven compared to the hell that I came from. I'm beginning to have doubts about my growth in this department. Where is my direction? What do I want out of this? Where is my final goal?

疯婆子

我的大姑最近又开始兴风作浪。没错，我又要聊我那些惹人厌的姑姑。

大姑好像要成为我在世界上最讨厌的人了。前几天，她来电，语气很没礼貌地质问我爸爸为什么移调的我祖父的坟墓。原来大姑心血来潮到祖父过去的墓地探访，却找不到我祖父的坟墓。

我爸爸愣了一下。吓？有没有搞错？老父死了22年，五个妹妹从来没有祭拜过亲父，逢年过节的祭拜礼仪一直是我父母搞定，她们从未主动帮忙过。就连在我们家放着的祖父的的灵位，她们从未正眼瞧过。然而，今天大姑却兴师问罪，大声问我爸爸为什么移调祖父的坟墓这么重要的事都没有跟她商量。我爸爸自然是痛心。他问妹妹过去为什么不闻不问，今日却改变初衷？大姑不假思索地说从前妈妈(指我祖母)没叫她们众姐妹祭拜父亲。

没有天理。父亲对你几十年的养育之恩孝心需要教吗？你不会自己体会啊？需要22年突然觉悟说：“对哦，爸爸的坟墓好像没有去探访过。现在在哪里啊？”

我绝对相信我大姑快变成我祖母的样子了。症状都在。自私、小心眼、无中生有、惟恐天下不乱，整天觉得别人对不起她，一直活在不快乐之中。看看我祖母现在下场如何？痴呆、卧床、沉默不语，又被一群女儿遗弃。

大姑，不要不相信因果。你妈妈的实例摆在眼前，你却看不清。