Should I Stay or Should I Go

2015是个关键年，逐渐步入七年之痒的年份，关于去留的问题越是紧逼着我。

如果这是个站口，这些年我也竭尽心力，问心无愧。只是想到放下这班成天说笑的家族成员，由衷叹息。

在某处待久了，你也会有此难处，欲走还留。这不是秘密，是人生规律。

Death of a Blogshop, and the Birth of Carousell

And so I made my last blogshop transaction in April 2014, when my long-time supplier's business went bust. I tried to source for others, but no one offered me the variety of goods or prompt service which I once enjoyed. And so, very quietly, the blogshop died... after 6.5 years of a pretty good run.

Beauty Personified first started as a batch of listings on my Yahoo Auctions account. There I met my first group of supporters, who followed me onto the blogspot platform when Yahoo Auctions died suddenly in mid 2008. The business prospered quickly, doubling profits for the first 3 years from $1000+ to $2000+, then to $4000+. It peaked at over $6800 at $2010, before declining yearly back to the figures from the initial 3 years. I didn't even dare to count the profits in its final days of death.

But rather than to lament its steady decline, I choose to celebrate that it did happen, and it helped give me extra pocket money where other investments have done badly. It has helped fund my trips to various places, and I did truly enjoy my work on it though it meant many hours on the website cropping, posting, and updating posts.

Post-blogshop, I've found new solace in another online buying/selling platform, called Carousell. It supplements my existing presence on Gumtree, Adpasar and StClassifieds (in order of effectiveness). The last 2 websites have yet to do much for me, but since they are free I'll copy and paste my data on them anyway. Nothing to lose. Others online sales websites like Cannla or Olx have died just like Yahoo Auctions, and proved to be a waste of time. Others like Qoo and Ebay want too much info or money from me so I give those a pass too.

Over the last few months, I'm very happy to get rid of many items who have been accumulating in my cupboards, which are in great condition but I know will never see the light of day again. Truth is, everything you are storing has a money value. But unless you use it, it's has zero value but it takes up space in your storage. Carousell and Gumtree have been great in helping me clear the junk, and I've sold about 20+ items this year. I've been so successful that even my family members have given me their junk to help sell, and I've had some success doing that too.

Ryan Looks like Simon Baker

Scene on rail to airport yest. 

Mom: spell Car

Boy: S-P-E. 

Mom: spell Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Boy: S-P-E. 

Mom: spell Ryan

Boy: R-Y-A-N

Mom looks impressed. 

Mom: spell I Love You

Boy: S-P-E. (Pause) N!

Mom(laughs): Spen? (Turns to her friend next to her) You have to hear this. Ryan, what's it's like to be a 4 year old?

Boy: Its TOUGH being a 4 year old.... What else should I spell?

Mom: We are going to play the quiet game now. 

Ryan keeps quiet for 30sec then goes on repeat mode spelling SPE...

Mickey would be Happy to Know

Scene at The Disney Store at Times Square. 

Me: "Where's the washroom?"

Staff: "Up the magic carpet and turn right."

Me:"The what?"

Staff (points to escalator): "The magic carpet!"

Me: "Erm, ok."

I go up to level 2 and am still lost. Goes to staff no. 2. 

Me: "Where's the washroom?"

Staff (points to a corner passage): "Down the rabbit hole!"

I suppress the urge to roll my eyes. 

I exit toilet and browse the merchandise. 

Staff no. 3 comes along: "How are we doing in fairy land today?"

Me: "..."

Disney staff really 中毒很深.

手足篇

时间可以改变一个人，哪怕他是谁和你是什么关系。距离可以改变一个人，哪怕他是谁和你从前多亲近。

 

也许可怕的不是时间、距离或改变，而是他在不知不觉中改变得陌生了，然后我还可以理智得打完这行字。

手足一场，原来如此。突然愤怒没有了，期待也没有了。就一场旅行嘛，弟弟没邀请我过去，搞了半天原来多余的是我。

妈妈的关心

妈，我感激你关心我，也谢谢你想要替我安排交朋友的事情。只是刚结束一段感情，我需要时间让伤口愈合，信心重振。名义上说是交朋友，大家心里有数长辈们的期待。现下实在没有心思寄放在别人身上，对对方也不公平。什么事等出国散心，把整颗心倒干净后再说。

分手篇

其实真相一直在我眼前。但自认聪明的我，竟然愚蠢地漠视它们，当起鸵鸟来。

当初一开始那么美好，最后的结局沦为如此，落差令人失望。

是错过了最好相处的时间吗？

是工作环境的残酷现实击垮了我们吗？

还是我们都太被动，面对感情不懂表达，又不够积极？

以朋友的角度，我很遗憾，也很抱歉，伤了一个朋友，也可能断送了友情。

以情人的角度，我很遗憾，也很抱歉，对于自己感情变质，表态地太迟了，以至于事无补。

也许，人老了，会因太了解自己而变的自私。而这种自私也归咎于爱自己多一点。

也许爱自己才是爱情的坟墓啊。

我又拿了爱的号码牌，沮丧地排起队来。

 

無常

作詞：藍小邪

南極開的花 已那麼香
沙漠中的魚 開始歌唱
如果你竟然 別來無恙
只好怪時光 還不夠漫長

就像我眼睛 已會結霜
耳朵嫁給了 真正的謊
若還說我和 從前一樣
怎麼對得起 人生的荒唐

讓 寒暄都吹成 風
讓 重逢全做成 夢
來讓所有遺憾
淪為所謂遺忘
應了那句無常

哪裡還找得到 當時月亮
每一秒星光 都在變幻
別說你的心 還是那樣
桑田和滄海 該有多失望

讓 你不再認識 我
讓 我不怕放過 我
來讓所有遺憾
再不用被遺忘
成全那句無常

就讓所有遺忘
都忘了怎麼忘
就讓無常如常

草莓族

bade farewell to a our dosmetic helper from the 草莓族 today. It's a very odd situation cos we are a nice family, and provide a good environment where she has much freedom. Yet she complained and whined every other day, despite various family members counselling her. And now she has to go to another family to work to fulfill what's left in her contract before she can do what she wants, to fly home. I hope the next family teaches her humility, and she derives happiness.

She's an oddball. And sad to say, I'm happy to see her gone.

Happy 10th Birthday DreamWerkz

Dear DreamWerkz

This is a special surprise from me and my boss, Kenneth. We've never done something like this for another club, and I hope that it is something which brought smiles to your faces.

Why the special treatment?

Because 10 years is an important milestone for a student club.

Also because you've had to go through a lot more challenges and hardship this year, more so than any other club, in the months leading up to "The Search".

Yet in the face of all these, DreamWerkz, like The Lion from "The Search", derived strength and courage, held its head high and never give up.

There is a Mandarin saying 时势造英雄 , which means heroes are made over turbulent times. Though I spend more time with the exco, I know there are many more unsung heroes. Like People who choreographed; People who made props everyday; People who helped sew one another's costumes; People who gave one another encouraging messages when the going got tough. Thank you everyone for working and playing hard as a team.

In the last few years, DreamWerkz has gone exponentially in size and achievements. But on your 10th birthday, it is important to remember that, just like any other student club, DreamWerkz had its fair share of struggles and humble beginnings. 

There was a time when DreamWerkz had no training venue, no dance studio, no mirrors. The dancers stuck mahjong paper behind level 2 Atrium glass sliding door, and there they practiced.

There was a time when DreamWerkz dwindled down to just 8 dancers, and OSchool almost didn't want to teach you anymore.

There was a time when a DreamWerkz President was so disrespectful towards Student Life staff that the staff was ready to close down the club.

Yet in the face of all these challenges, the club lived on.

What I'm saying is, whatever you have today, is the result of the hard work and perseverance of your predecessors, and the staff who existed before me.

Today, they are no longer around in SIM to enjoy your current success, but they must never be forgotten.  

With this, I wish DreamWerkz "Happy 10th Birthday". It is not always easy to work with you, because you want so much from SIM. But I take pride in the fact that, whatever you take from SIM, you will always give back much more, to the club, to the school, and to me.

Love,

Janice

6 and Counting

Today marks my 6th year in SIM, a place where I didn't expect to make it beyond 3 months. The pace was fast and there were so many programmes, media channels, regional markets and people names to remember. I remembered my manager scolding me in her room cos she felt I didn't live up to her expectations. I had to go to the loo to cry my eyes out after that, and she bumped into me when I got out. I remembered sitting at the bus stop after 8pm wondering if I had been a fool giving up a comfy life in the prev company to jump into this black hole. 

Obviously I wasn't. The best thing about being here long enough is understanding how the system works, and working with it... not against it. Of course there are still moments of conflicts and distress but you know it's part of the job and it will soon be over. My greatest gift here are the people I spend hours with. I have a really nice and tight team of colleagues and we laugh so much everyday. I appreciate that we look after and look out for one another -- something which doesn't happen easily in the workplace. I've worked with meanies, bitches and witches, to know that angels are a godsend. So thank you to my angels at work, and happy work anniversary to me :))) 

Cardboard Auntie

Honestly I didn't want to read her email. But I had a hunch it would be an entertaining piece of crap and I was right. 

I'm so sick of her blaming so many people for her past behavior including bringing up supposed birth defects. 

She is now banking on her only asset - language ability - to seek forgiveness but there are so many contradictions in her literature. Including undying bouts of hatred evident from her listing the 'injustices' various family members have inflicted on her. 

She felt disrespected by Jasmine & Joel but here she is showing our mom 30 long years of disrespect by not addressing her. You let her know that Respect is Earned, Not Given. 

I find it sickening that she has practiced all her life this mentality cos you like/dislike the parent, you transfer that feeling to the child. 

As a child, honestly I liked her visits back to Sg cos we'd get free and awesome books that fueled our learning process. But I also remembered vividly the sinking, nauseating feeling when I saw that Ross and Lynn owned 2-3 times the amt of books from her, on their shelves. That considering that there are 3 kids in our family! It was then that I learnt from a young age that favoritism existed even in families. It was hurtful back then because I couldn't recall what it was that we had done to her as kids to make her treat us less special. 

In 2000, when I was 19, I had the misfortune of being treated like a piece of used cardboard by her n her husband. They got me to do Chinese translation of road names for their new book. I received nothing but a complimentary book and one line of credit in it. It was years after being in the workforce, and paying for translation services that I realized how much money they saved by using me. Ironically I vividly remember them criticizing me on how I didn't know how to translate certain terms. Yet, I still I didn't dislike her at that point.

The straw that broke the camel's back was, as I shared with you, this venomous fax that she sent to our home. It was around the time of ah ma's first stroke, the prelude of her long descent into immobility. In it your 3rd sister admonished you and insinuated that you were good to ah ma only for financial reasons and that you were in her own words 'always anticipating ah ma's death'. She could have just sent a private letter or email. But she chose fax, where everyone who was literate could see it in plain sight. Even the maid cleaning the table. 

This, togt with the treatment from your other sisters back then... I rem seeing my mom cry because of their spiteful words. I saw a clear red line that separated us from them. It was a very heartbreaking realization for me cos up till that time I respected all of them. As you said we were never blind or deaf.  What you didn't know was, we were all in pain because from this sharp feeling of pure and thoroughly wicked betrayal.  Any familial feelings evaporated at that point. I was pursuing an internship with Disney at that point and I rem breaking down one day at my desk as the pain was too much to bear. 

You don't pull out a sword, draw our blood, then ask us to respect u as an elder. The world doesn't work like that. 

I'm not going into detail about her behavior during ah ma's last days and during her wake. The wounds are fresh I trust that everyone still remembers how hard she fought against returning home. I'm glad you took my suggestion of emailing her the pic of ah ma on the hospital bed. 

My siblings and I do not believe she is repentant. And honesty there is no incentive for us to befriend her. We don't treat her as family and she's also not our friend. She's not even a piece of cardboard I would be interested in using. 

And so, I bid goodbye to songwriting again

I made the painful decision to end music classes at Millet today. They changed my instructor for the 2nd time in less than 2 years and the new instructor didn't seem to appreciate the song which I was learning to play, which was my self-penned composition. It was clear that she was into rhythm, musical structure and conformity, something which my songs didn't quite have in her opinion. It's not that she's a bad instructor, it's just that at my age, I don't want to waste time and energy putting up with people or bearing issues not worth my attention. Life is too short, and I think I've spent much time and money furthering this interest. I wished I had gone further, and I believed I could have travelled far with my departed instructor. But it was perhaps God's will in putting this to a premature end, for a reason which I will only appreciate much later in life. I'm cried a bit of sad tears today knowing that it will be for the 2nd time in life that I have to shelve my songwriting interests to an unknown future. Someday I hope more people can hear them. I just don't know when.

When Someone from the Past Visits

Sometimes when people ask me what I do in my job, I'm at a loss for words. It's like I do everything, and yet nothing at all. I could be said to be a generalist or an administrator, yet there are many who will not be capable of doing my job.

Today midway at camp briefing, a staff from our camp organizing partner came up and introduced himself. He was a student from the RP's DIEM 2007 cohort. He reminded me that I was his JIVE IG advisor n I administered his scholarship application, which he was awarded. He eventually went on to be a proud grad of not just RP, but also NTU.

I never taught him a class lesson or handled his FYP or PP. As club advisor, he prob saw me once a week for 1-2hrs, where I address >100 of them. I left way before he graduated. Honestly I don't rem him at all. And if he never came up to me today, this would have remained a secret.

But for him to come up to me 7 years later, remind me of the work I did, n the difference it made... It was an incredible moment. So thank you, CH, for this little gesture n the huge ripple it made in my heart.

I will remember you.

鬼丈夫

因为有iPad ,开始重温琼瑶剧。这些是小时候追看的戏剧，那是一个一家子饭后围在电视机前的休闲时光。那是一个没有高科技分散我们注意力的时代。如今重温，不禁缅怀当时的剧情，也追溯从前的记忆。

“鬼丈夫”在琼瑶小说全集中与众不同，因为小说是别人根据电视剧本代笔写的。可能因为这样，它没其他琼瑶剧那么煽情或歇斯底里，反而多了一份柔情和委婉。

看老剧，最大的满足来自随着年纪和成熟度，所带来新体会和见解。尤其是对台湾剧台词的鉴赏。感谢科技发达，现在可以用fast forward 和 rewind 来细细品尝唯美的词句。

好戏可以经得起时间的考验，无论哪个年代观看，都次次感动，场场动容。

U选1000

最近，新加坡的电台UFM100.3举办了“U选1000， 加倍好听”投选活动，邀请听众选出80年代到当代，最代表性的1000首国语歌曲。

虽然慧敏有18个年头没推出新的国语专辑，也鲜少出现在新加坡，新加坡乐迷并没忘记她。恭喜慧敏在竞争激烈的情况下，有3首歌曲上榜，分别为：

413-流言
452-尽在不言中
579-知己

详细资料，请到
http://www.ufm1003.sg/what-s-on/776-u1000countdown2014.html

Cheer Songs Attempted 1st April

家 (from 时间的歌）

普拉图式的爱情 (from 时间的歌）

流浪者之歌 (from 时间的歌）

鱼 (from 太阳）

女明星 (from "Piece of Summer II" 演唱会实录）

让我想一想 (from 让我想一想）

Self (from 华丽的冒险)

慢歌3  (from 还是会寂寞）

流浪者之歌

阔别4年，另一佳作。MV也是艺术品，很耗资资源。最感动的一幕是老爷爷把亡妻的骨灰洒向大海，背景是富士山。他的歌写得抽象、朦胧，多了想象空间。在我看来，流浪就是一意孤行，敢于面对事实或做自己。流浪是孤独的旅程，但也可以是幸福的释放。好爱歌里重复着的“撐住我 ”，像是流浪者对梦想的声声呼叫。而你，听见了吗？

詞/曲：陳綺貞

我的肩膀 揹記憶的包裹
流浪到大樹下終於解脫
希望若是有 絕望若是有
不要像 風吹過連痕跡都不留

我的雙腳 太沈重的枷鎖
越不過 曾經犯的每個錯
希望若是有 絕望若是有
怎麼會 換不回最初的承諾


撐住我
落葉離開後頻頻回頭
撐住我 止不住的墜落
撐住我 讓我真正停留
擁抱你 作完一場美夢


我的雙腳 太沈重的枷鎖
越不過 曾經犯的每個錯
希望若是有 絕望若是有
怎麼會 換不回最初的承諾

撐住我
落葉離開後頻頻回頭
撐住我 止不住的墜落
撐住我 讓我真正停留
擁抱你 作完一場美夢
撐住我 狂風暴雨我都不逃脫
撐住我 為你擋下所有詛咒
撐住我 眼淚不再流
擁抱你 作完一場美夢

快樂若是有
傷心若是有
眼淚灌溉
不枉愛過

时间的歌

在我面前说陈绮贞江郎才尽。显然的，他没去 陈绮贞 时间的歌#演唱会 ，不过也要长好耳朵才能去，别浪费位子。

从「失败者的飞翔」到「灵感」持续感动、一路落泪。有一部分因为那句简单的「你好，我是陈绮贞，谢谢你们来。」唉，我承认我哭点低。

"我把这首歌个献给在努力和挫败之间不停循环、不肯放弃的人。你的声音，我听到了。 "

就是这句让我凝结在眼眶的泪决堤...... 应该有更多的写歌者把自己当作艺术家、影响家。别老是只写一些情爱之间扭扭捏捏的东西。有多少人等着你用词曲歌声，抚慰他的心灵、唱出他的故事。