故事的最后是，她写了封电邮给他，祝愿他工作顺利。
当然--
也许他已经不记得她。
也许他会装作不记得她。
也许他会错过这封电邮。
又或者，他会大方地回答电邮，然后他们终于是朋友。
但他们不会亲近。
不可能亲近。
不可以亲近。
事过境迁，她知道自己又成长了一些。
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
傻瓜
今天有个傻瓜因为我挨饿了四个钟头。他十一点msn我问要不要吃午餐。我很饱，所以说不要那么早吃。其实是不想随意惹他误会。后来我也没多想便和同事吃饭。
下午三点多，他又msn我问吃饭了没。原来他一直傻傻地再等我说饿，然后和他吃饭。顿然，我觉得内疚又感动。可是还是觉得他笨。饿就吃，干嘛等来等去。傻瓜。
有时想问他到底是不是喜欢我，但又怕他说：“是啊。怎样？”
是啊。那我要怎样？
下午三点多，他又msn我问吃饭了没。原来他一直傻傻地再等我说饿，然后和他吃饭。顿然，我觉得内疚又感动。可是还是觉得他笨。饿就吃，干嘛等来等去。傻瓜。
有时想问他到底是不是喜欢我，但又怕他说：“是啊。怎样？”
是啊。那我要怎样？
Friday, May 04, 2007
10 Things
Got tagged by my friend. Rule of the game is to state ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself.
In no particular order they are:
1. I made a lot of noise as a pre-school kid. I talked a lot, and I sang a lot. I would break into song during family gatherings, and demand that everyone sat around to hear me sing. My song repetoire? Liu Wen Zheng and Feng Fei Fei. (thanks to influence from my Dad who listens to them. Don't laugh. They were huge in the 80s, okay.)
2. Maybe I talked too much when I was very small. That's why I quietened down a lot when I got older. Another reason was I was targetted and kinda bullied twice in my earlier school years. In K1, this evil girl called Muimui told other kids "not to friend" me. In P1, this other evil girl called Joleen scribbled an extra "s" on some words in my spelling tests, causing me not to get full marks. I eventually told my mother, and my mother phoned the school to complain. You can be sure that my daughter will not be named Muimui or Joleen.
3. I was usually a very good and quiet kid in school but I flared up once in P3. My partner was in a really foul mood and she was snapping at me for every little small thing throughout the entire English lesson. My ruler kinda "drifted" onto her desk and she scolded me. Before I knew it, I had yelled at the top of my voice. The whole class stopped functioning. Everyone stared at us. The teacher punished my partner. I was let off because I was the teacher's pet. :)
4. In the early days of my childhood when my brother hadn't learnt how to talk, I grew up with 3 imaginary friends. Let's leave it as that.:)
5. Good kids sometimes get punished for no reason, and because we are good, we assumed that the beating was for a good reason. I had two memorable beatings from my parents for matters which was not my fault whatsoever. I got beaten by my Dad once cos my over-zealous Christian aunt decided to goad me into going to church with her. I didn't agree but my Dad assumed I did, and whacked me endlessly with the cane. Some years later, my mom whacked me like crazy when her teacher friend at my school told her my form teacher wanted to see her. The reason was not given but she whacked me anyway. When we finally saw my form teacher, she only wanted to tell my mother that I should speak up more in class. My mother went, "Chey, like that only ah." I never forgave that teacher friend of hers. Some people should just keep their mouths shut.
6. I was introduced to Mandarin Pop courtesy of my first idol, Ms Vivian Chow. The first song I heard when I tuned to FM 93.3 for the first time was "Jing Zai Bu Yan Zhong", and the program was the weekly Top 10 Charts. I loved the song straightaway. Hence, I tuned into the program every week onwards. That's how I picked up the other Mandarin pop songs quickly.
7. Trapped in a girls' school for 10 years, and an almost-all girl class in JC, I was very dim-witted when it came to anything related to BGR. In my late teens, at a student gathering, this guy who seemed interested in me asked me if I was attached. I said, "Attached to what?".
8. In my uni days, I once sang my compositions on stage. Famed music producer, Lee Wei Song, was at the concert, and told the student organisers that he was impressed and wished to see me. Because I didn't have a demo tape, I requested the organisers to give me a live recording of the performance. However, they dragged and took their own sweet time. By the time I got the tape, it was three months later and Lee Wei Song was in Taiwan already. My best shot at fame was gone. I was really sad for a long time after that.
9. Speaking of fame, I was on TV on two occasions. Once on "Jiao Dian" on Channel 8 in 1994, when they interviewed my massive extended family, and we all had to go cos it was a huge thing. Immediately after the show aired, I got calls from classmates and was bombarded by more people the next day in school. The next occasion I was on TV was in 2004 when I did a Channel U game show while interning at a production house, but this time no one noticed. Basically, I was part of the production crew, and I got into frame unintentionally a couple of times while running with my contestants. It was a hit and miss thing. I didn't see myself until I saw the video recording many times over.
10. I am an award-winning film-maker and scriptwriter, though not of extremely prestigous competitions. My video FYP beat out over 2500 entries from all over the world to make it to the top 100 films of the JVC Tokyo Film Festival in 2005. My entry was also the only Singaporean film. As for scripts, I got 2 merit awards in 2004 and 2006 for my first efforts in feature film writing and TV drama writing. Of course I won't let things rest like that. I will win more awards. More important ones too. Some day I believe it will happen. :)
In no particular order they are:
1. I made a lot of noise as a pre-school kid. I talked a lot, and I sang a lot. I would break into song during family gatherings, and demand that everyone sat around to hear me sing. My song repetoire? Liu Wen Zheng and Feng Fei Fei. (thanks to influence from my Dad who listens to them. Don't laugh. They were huge in the 80s, okay.)
2. Maybe I talked too much when I was very small. That's why I quietened down a lot when I got older. Another reason was I was targetted and kinda bullied twice in my earlier school years. In K1, this evil girl called Muimui told other kids "not to friend" me. In P1, this other evil girl called Joleen scribbled an extra "s" on some words in my spelling tests, causing me not to get full marks. I eventually told my mother, and my mother phoned the school to complain. You can be sure that my daughter will not be named Muimui or Joleen.
3. I was usually a very good and quiet kid in school but I flared up once in P3. My partner was in a really foul mood and she was snapping at me for every little small thing throughout the entire English lesson. My ruler kinda "drifted" onto her desk and she scolded me. Before I knew it, I had yelled at the top of my voice. The whole class stopped functioning. Everyone stared at us. The teacher punished my partner. I was let off because I was the teacher's pet. :)
4. In the early days of my childhood when my brother hadn't learnt how to talk, I grew up with 3 imaginary friends. Let's leave it as that.:)
5. Good kids sometimes get punished for no reason, and because we are good, we assumed that the beating was for a good reason. I had two memorable beatings from my parents for matters which was not my fault whatsoever. I got beaten by my Dad once cos my over-zealous Christian aunt decided to goad me into going to church with her. I didn't agree but my Dad assumed I did, and whacked me endlessly with the cane. Some years later, my mom whacked me like crazy when her teacher friend at my school told her my form teacher wanted to see her. The reason was not given but she whacked me anyway. When we finally saw my form teacher, she only wanted to tell my mother that I should speak up more in class. My mother went, "Chey, like that only ah." I never forgave that teacher friend of hers. Some people should just keep their mouths shut.
6. I was introduced to Mandarin Pop courtesy of my first idol, Ms Vivian Chow. The first song I heard when I tuned to FM 93.3 for the first time was "Jing Zai Bu Yan Zhong", and the program was the weekly Top 10 Charts. I loved the song straightaway. Hence, I tuned into the program every week onwards. That's how I picked up the other Mandarin pop songs quickly.
7. Trapped in a girls' school for 10 years, and an almost-all girl class in JC, I was very dim-witted when it came to anything related to BGR. In my late teens, at a student gathering, this guy who seemed interested in me asked me if I was attached. I said, "Attached to what?".
8. In my uni days, I once sang my compositions on stage. Famed music producer, Lee Wei Song, was at the concert, and told the student organisers that he was impressed and wished to see me. Because I didn't have a demo tape, I requested the organisers to give me a live recording of the performance. However, they dragged and took their own sweet time. By the time I got the tape, it was three months later and Lee Wei Song was in Taiwan already. My best shot at fame was gone. I was really sad for a long time after that.
9. Speaking of fame, I was on TV on two occasions. Once on "Jiao Dian" on Channel 8 in 1994, when they interviewed my massive extended family, and we all had to go cos it was a huge thing. Immediately after the show aired, I got calls from classmates and was bombarded by more people the next day in school. The next occasion I was on TV was in 2004 when I did a Channel U game show while interning at a production house, but this time no one noticed. Basically, I was part of the production crew, and I got into frame unintentionally a couple of times while running with my contestants. It was a hit and miss thing. I didn't see myself until I saw the video recording many times over.
10. I am an award-winning film-maker and scriptwriter, though not of extremely prestigous competitions. My video FYP beat out over 2500 entries from all over the world to make it to the top 100 films of the JVC Tokyo Film Festival in 2005. My entry was also the only Singaporean film. As for scripts, I got 2 merit awards in 2004 and 2006 for my first efforts in feature film writing and TV drama writing. Of course I won't let things rest like that. I will win more awards. More important ones too. Some day I believe it will happen. :)
Saturday, April 21, 2007
眷恋
好友告诉我她发现了分隔了十年的初恋情人的行踪。对方当了教育部的老师，电邮地址出现在互联网上。她有想要和他相认的冲动，即使现在已经有交往五年的男友。
严格来说他们没有恋爱过，好友只是一直暗恋对方，默默关心他的生活。男孩当年是品学兼优的模范生、也是音乐才子，锋芒毕露。毕业时他还写了一封鼓励我朋友的信，令她感动多年。这封信她至今保留着。
我可以了解她情绪激动的理由，不过我无法确定她想重遇的动机。我问过她， 为什么一定要再次与他碰面，是要送上迟来的表白吗，还是追求一个未完成的梦？她笑着说不知道， 不过男友不在意，只求如果她执意要离开时，不要让他最后一个才知道。我不认识她男友，不过他不是一个好男人，就是一个懦夫。然而终究会断线的风筝，真的有挽留的意义吗？她毕竟爱他爱了十年。
当然这种爱并不纯正，它包含了多年下来的幻想、幻觉。像海市蜃楼，只是虚无缥缈的东西。毕竟得不到的永远最美。这种爱是富是祸或什么都不是，只有时间可以证明。又或许真见面了，却只是让幻想破灭，那还不如不见。
读过一封连环电邮，讲述移情别恋的人往往在新爱身上找到遍寻不到的十巴仙快乐，却因此而舍弃了和旧爱共有的九十巴仙的快乐，得不偿失。
当然，讽刺的是在我位朋友的这个例子里，我们已分不清哪个是旧爱，哪个是新欢。
严格来说他们没有恋爱过，好友只是一直暗恋对方，默默关心他的生活。男孩当年是品学兼优的模范生、也是音乐才子，锋芒毕露。毕业时他还写了一封鼓励我朋友的信，令她感动多年。这封信她至今保留着。
我可以了解她情绪激动的理由，不过我无法确定她想重遇的动机。我问过她， 为什么一定要再次与他碰面，是要送上迟来的表白吗，还是追求一个未完成的梦？她笑着说不知道， 不过男友不在意，只求如果她执意要离开时，不要让他最后一个才知道。我不认识她男友，不过他不是一个好男人，就是一个懦夫。然而终究会断线的风筝，真的有挽留的意义吗？她毕竟爱他爱了十年。
当然这种爱并不纯正，它包含了多年下来的幻想、幻觉。像海市蜃楼，只是虚无缥缈的东西。毕竟得不到的永远最美。这种爱是富是祸或什么都不是，只有时间可以证明。又或许真见面了，却只是让幻想破灭，那还不如不见。
读过一封连环电邮，讲述移情别恋的人往往在新爱身上找到遍寻不到的十巴仙快乐，却因此而舍弃了和旧爱共有的九十巴仙的快乐，得不偿失。
当然，讽刺的是在我位朋友的这个例子里，我们已分不清哪个是旧爱，哪个是新欢。
Sunday, April 15, 2007
The Secret Heaven
近期看了本地导演Sun Koh的“The Secret Heaven”，感触良多。影片讲述一个被母亲强迫练钢琴的小女孩。女孩因为又讨厌又害怕弹琴所以常常蹲在厕所里装肚子痛。母亲看不到孩子的难处，把她的行为归为叛逆，还常拿她和有音乐天分的大女儿相比。
看着电影， 我想起了我的过去。我没有弹琴天分，却应着父母的要求学了近十年的钢琴。显然的，我终究力不从心，没有把钢琴练的很好，因此常唉老师的骂。刚好我表弟也向 同个老师学习。他在弹琴天分上的幸运成了我的不幸，因为我常常被拿来跟他做比较。老师说不明白我为什么无法象一般学琴者享受弹琴的乐趣。我当时年级小也不 知道我为什么办不到，只好默认了我就是技不如人。
后来到了中学，我再次被父母所迫读音乐选修课(这代替了家政)。我那时真的好乖完全不懂得反击，父母叫我做什么我就乖乖从命。于是我又过着难唉的日子。我 一直拼命努力但音乐成绩依然差强人意，永远被音乐天分较佳的同学抛在后头。老师甚至根据我们的音乐造诣，将我们分成三班进行补习。我自然被派到最烂的班， 补习时间比别班多上一倍，信心也跌到谷地。
那是一段辛苦的十年。这是有音乐天分的人无法想象的痛苦。
如果当初我父母仔细观察，他们就会发现我比较喜欢画画与设计。音乐算是阻碍了我钻研艺术的机会。我也常想如果凭直觉弃音乐，追逐艺术，最后的路会如何。
如果说我人生有什么遗憾，应该就是这个吧。
看着电影， 我想起了我的过去。我没有弹琴天分，却应着父母的要求学了近十年的钢琴。显然的，我终究力不从心，没有把钢琴练的很好，因此常唉老师的骂。刚好我表弟也向 同个老师学习。他在弹琴天分上的幸运成了我的不幸，因为我常常被拿来跟他做比较。老师说不明白我为什么无法象一般学琴者享受弹琴的乐趣。我当时年级小也不 知道我为什么办不到，只好默认了我就是技不如人。
后来到了中学，我再次被父母所迫读音乐选修课(这代替了家政)。我那时真的好乖完全不懂得反击，父母叫我做什么我就乖乖从命。于是我又过着难唉的日子。我 一直拼命努力但音乐成绩依然差强人意，永远被音乐天分较佳的同学抛在后头。老师甚至根据我们的音乐造诣，将我们分成三班进行补习。我自然被派到最烂的班， 补习时间比别班多上一倍，信心也跌到谷地。
那是一段辛苦的十年。这是有音乐天分的人无法想象的痛苦。
如果当初我父母仔细观察，他们就会发现我比较喜欢画画与设计。音乐算是阻碍了我钻研艺术的机会。我也常想如果凭直觉弃音乐，追逐艺术，最后的路会如何。
如果说我人生有什么遗憾，应该就是这个吧。
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