Eddie

It's queer for me to dedicate a blog entry to a colleague, but I feel compelled to because of the emotions I am experiencing over the past weeks.

Eddie was one of my supervisors and together we work on one of the diplomas in our institution. Basically I support him administratively. Sometimes I feel like his secretary. In the very beginning, we even worked on our CCA together. But then he got promoted so I got to work even more closely with him. I see him almost everyday, and he sits very close by.

We were never really friends, but occasionally he would send me home because he lived nearby and he had a car. And I will sit in anyone's car if they offer to give me a ride because the journey home is so damn far. So we chit chat on our way home.

Time flew and we had collaborated for around 1.5 years. One day my reporting supervisor hinted that someone in the management team of our department had resigned. Based on the clues she mentioned, I got the nudging feeling that it was Eddie.

Then came the dreams. For a few consecutive days, I dreamt of Eddie in various types of scenarios to do with departure. One of them had Eddie announcing his departure to me, on the very day that he was going to tell him about the same piece of news. Another one even had he dying, and me find out about it through the papers. (In that dream, Eddie died from being slashed by a serial killer). I woke up feeling very worried, before realising stupidly that it was just a nonsensical dream. Or was it? After all, I have never dreamt anything like this of any departing colleague, not even the very close ones.

Dreams are very telling. Freud says they are a figment of our subconsciousness. They reveal things that we never knew we never knew. So what does my dream say about what I feel about Eddie?

To be honest, I would say that I don't really adore Eddie. He has never been my supporter during appraisals (he admittedly said so). He has breathed down my neck so many times with his unbelievable deadlines and super meticulous nature. And he has even dared to criticise me before. And anyone who knows me, knows that I dislike most forms of criticism. Eddie also has the most wicked sense of humour. He has very unkind words for unkind people, which I laugh at a lot too. (I wonder what he says behind my back).

But still despite all that, I guess my dreams are telling me that I really do like him after all. Not in an amourous way of course. (I've come to the realisation that I will never fall for an ugly guy because I am a "visual" person, and Eddie is well, ugly).

Eddie has just left my organisation. I stare at his empty desk today for the first time, and feel sad knowing that I will never hear his criticisms, cruel jokes, or see his ugly face again.

I miss him.