I've always wondered how I would react to my paternal grandma's death. She's been immobile and senile for years. For the last 6 years or so, she's been well.... existing.
When she was well, she wasn't the most loving grandma. There was a missing maternal side to her. She was mostly critical, offensive, sarcastic in most of the things she said. Living with her, there were plenty of opportunities to bear the brunt of her evil tongue. She didn't like my maternal relatives and did little to hide that dislike. She wasn't extremely kind to my mother and saw her as a competitor for my dad's affection, who matured from a meek daughter-in-law, to one who dared to speak her mind, over the years.
But did she love us? Yes she did, in her awkward way of cooking unsavoury dishes when cooking wasn't her strength; in her way of attempting to speak to us in Mandarin which wasn't her strength; in her way of throwing allowances to us, because the act of giving wasn't something she'd naturally do.
I remember myself as a three-year-old, propped up on the shop counter by my grandparents. And my grandma would ask me the same line every other day -- “大小姐，你好吗？” And I would reply resoundingly with a “好！”
I cried as I watch my grandma die slowly on 11th Sep 2011, ten years after 911. It was a painful moment. A tear trinkled down her face. Unhappy when she was a sane person, I think she left this world with some regrets.
When someone close dies, a part of you dies with them. And you are never the same again. I will remember her as the grandma who was stern, shrewd but ultimately wanted best for this family.
RIP Madam Tan Mui. May you be happy, wherever you are.
No comments:
Post a Comment