Sunday, September 25, 2011
我對不起我
田馥甄在專輯內所攢寫:
"要選擇活在黑暗中
還是死在光明下？
膽小鬼 膽小得自愛 自愛得太膽小
在兩者當中怯懦的選擇太久
什麼也沒選到
什麼也不敢選
最後沒死過 但 也沒真的活過..."
我對不起我
詞：林夕
我給你的你用不著了
你也失去該有的快樂
付出的溫柔再不屬於我
你無福消受誰應該難過
沒事了 沒事嗎 堅強得太寂寞
腦袋空空 難道是我要的結果
愛給了我什麼 沒沉淪就超脫
愛不能傷害我 還是我沒愛過
我沒做錯什麼 卻把一切錯過
你是愛不起我 我也對不起我
不敢看你就嘗試看破
別讓傷口有機會發作
為小說劇情而驚心動魄
好證明淚腺還沒有萎縮
沒事了 沒事嗎 自愛得太寂寞
一身清白 難道是我要的結果
愛給了我什麼 沒沉淪就超脫
愛不能傷害我 還是我沒愛過
我沒做錯什麼 卻把一切錯過
你是愛不起我 我也對不起我
愛偷走我什麼 沒損失更失落
愛不能傷害我 是福氣還是禍
我沒膽量犯錯 才把一切錯過
你沒能留住我 我卻對不住我
----
这应该是我的心声。“错过”与“受伤”一直是我所害怕的。于是，我的心不送人，没机会受伤，也没机会真心爱过。林夕大师又一次的神来之笔。
李雨寰一直是我喜欢的音乐人, 这歌的编曲跟《狂恋》一样迂回荡漾, very haunting。
The Passing of Ah Ma
I've always wondered how I would react to my paternal grandma's death. She's been immobile and senile for years. For the last 6 years or so, she's been well.... existing.
When she was well, she wasn't the most loving grandma. There was a missing maternal side to her. She was mostly critical, offensive, sarcastic in most of the things she said. Living with her, there were plenty of opportunities to bear the brunt of her evil tongue. She didn't like my maternal relatives and did little to hide that dislike. She wasn't extremely kind to my mother and saw her as a competitor for my dad's affection, who matured from a meek daughter-in-law, to one who dared to speak her mind, over the years.
But did she love us? Yes she did, in her awkward way of cooking unsavoury dishes when cooking wasn't her strength; in her way of attempting to speak to us in Mandarin which wasn't her strength; in her way of throwing allowances to us, because the act of giving wasn't something she'd naturally do.
I remember myself as a three-year-old, propped up on the shop counter by my grandparents. And my grandma would ask me the same line every other day -- “大小姐，你好吗？” And I would reply resoundingly with a “好！”
I cried as I watch my grandma die slowly on 11th Sep 2011, ten years after 911. It was a painful moment. A tear trinkled down her face. Unhappy when she was a sane person, I think she left this world with some regrets.
When someone close dies, a part of you dies with them. And you are never the same again. I will remember her as the grandma who was stern, shrewd but ultimately wanted best for this family.
RIP Madam Tan Mui. May you be happy, wherever you are.
When she was well, she wasn't the most loving grandma. There was a missing maternal side to her. She was mostly critical, offensive, sarcastic in most of the things she said. Living with her, there were plenty of opportunities to bear the brunt of her evil tongue. She didn't like my maternal relatives and did little to hide that dislike. She wasn't extremely kind to my mother and saw her as a competitor for my dad's affection, who matured from a meek daughter-in-law, to one who dared to speak her mind, over the years.
But did she love us? Yes she did, in her awkward way of cooking unsavoury dishes when cooking wasn't her strength; in her way of attempting to speak to us in Mandarin which wasn't her strength; in her way of throwing allowances to us, because the act of giving wasn't something she'd naturally do.
I remember myself as a three-year-old, propped up on the shop counter by my grandparents. And my grandma would ask me the same line every other day -- “大小姐，你好吗？” And I would reply resoundingly with a “好！”
I cried as I watch my grandma die slowly on 11th Sep 2011, ten years after 911. It was a painful moment. A tear trinkled down her face. Unhappy when she was a sane person, I think she left this world with some regrets.
When someone close dies, a part of you dies with them. And you are never the same again. I will remember her as the grandma who was stern, shrewd but ultimately wanted best for this family.
RIP Madam Tan Mui. May you be happy, wherever you are.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
新仇旧恨
昔日同窗雪慧在Facebook上寄了一个friend request。认识我十年以上的好友都会记得雪慧曾在十一年前严重出卖过我。陈年往事，来龙去脉就不写了。有半年时间，每想到她的背叛，我都一定哭。所幸，到目前为止雪慧是唯一出卖过我的朋友。
我记得那时刚进大一。友情决裂后，我自叹倒霉。大学生涯才刚开始，意味着我还要花4年时间面对一个敌人。我们科系太小，常有合作的机会。时间久了，我学会掩饰我对她的敌意，但毕业后我们就断了联系。偶尔从共同的朋友口中知道她的近况，知道她在报社混地不好，没有延续梦想的记者工作，最后结婚生子，投入家庭。
我在Facebook写着不知要不要accept 十年前的仇人的friend request，便有好几个大学同学算出那正是我们同在南大的日子，纷纷八卦地问我是谁。最后我透过MSN与一位同学倾诉心声，没想到字打到一半，竟然落泪了。
我很震惊。我以为经过十一年，时间早已冲淡所有不好的心情。可是，原来愤怒与怨恨的烙印可以褪掉，但那份被好友出卖过的伤痛永远都在。没有所谓原不原谅，如果要归咎，就是我当时太看重友情。我无法接受随意伤害我的人，就是我自认为好友的人。
眼泪替我整理了思绪，原来决定那么容易。我删除了friend request。吃一次亏，学一次乖。我不敢再冒这个险。这辈子，杨雪慧都不会再是我的朋友。
不然就枉费了我的眼泪。
我记得那时刚进大一。友情决裂后，我自叹倒霉。大学生涯才刚开始，意味着我还要花4年时间面对一个敌人。我们科系太小，常有合作的机会。时间久了，我学会掩饰我对她的敌意，但毕业后我们就断了联系。偶尔从共同的朋友口中知道她的近况，知道她在报社混地不好，没有延续梦想的记者工作，最后结婚生子，投入家庭。
我在Facebook写着不知要不要accept 十年前的仇人的friend request，便有好几个大学同学算出那正是我们同在南大的日子，纷纷八卦地问我是谁。最后我透过MSN与一位同学倾诉心声，没想到字打到一半，竟然落泪了。
我很震惊。我以为经过十一年，时间早已冲淡所有不好的心情。可是，原来愤怒与怨恨的烙印可以褪掉，但那份被好友出卖过的伤痛永远都在。没有所谓原不原谅，如果要归咎，就是我当时太看重友情。我无法接受随意伤害我的人，就是我自认为好友的人。
眼泪替我整理了思绪，原来决定那么容易。我删除了friend request。吃一次亏，学一次乖。我不敢再冒这个险。这辈子，杨雪慧都不会再是我的朋友。
不然就枉费了我的眼泪。
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
York Boon
一直以为有你的号码，所以没想到要联络。如今想联络，发现我们太遥远...
对这位前老板有着复杂的感情。我一直怨恨他漠视我在工作上的表现，给了以为比我晚进公司的同事擢升，就因为她长得美 （我认为）。不过比起会我曾遇过脾气又臭、会公报私仇的女主管, 他的人品又太好了。他是一个真心关心下属的人，但由于职务繁多，他常力不从心，所以又欠缺诚恳性。我是喜欢他的人品，但我们不适合当主仆。我一直记得他被调职时所说的，他不认为我们这群下属有能力接替副主管的位置。那句话宛如当头棒喝，当下我知道再待下去永远不会有作为。几个月后，我离职了。
三年来，没见面，听说他在新职位处得不好，不得下属认同。也听说他莫名患口腔癌，又离奇恢复，如今口齿没当年地清晰。
然后， 便是他离职的消息。这点让我太吃惊，因为在我的印象，他是少数对公司愚忠的人。可见其中必定有隐情。他人缘不好，所以得知他去向的人不多，好像大家都没兴趣知道。除了我。
原本以为永远失去联络的人，感谢神通广大的互联网，轻而易举给我查到他的动向。写了一封电邮，很快地得到答复。简短、工整又不失温暖的慰问。有些事情不会改变。他曾经不赏识我，但我还是相信他是一个重感情的人。从他电邮中文字的字体、颜色、大小、多年来不变，就能看得出来。
对这位前老板有着复杂的感情。我一直怨恨他漠视我在工作上的表现，给了以为比我晚进公司的同事擢升，就因为她长得美 （我认为）。不过比起会我曾遇过脾气又臭、会公报私仇的女主管, 他的人品又太好了。他是一个真心关心下属的人，但由于职务繁多，他常力不从心，所以又欠缺诚恳性。我是喜欢他的人品，但我们不适合当主仆。我一直记得他被调职时所说的，他不认为我们这群下属有能力接替副主管的位置。那句话宛如当头棒喝，当下我知道再待下去永远不会有作为。几个月后，我离职了。
三年来，没见面，听说他在新职位处得不好，不得下属认同。也听说他莫名患口腔癌，又离奇恢复，如今口齿没当年地清晰。
然后， 便是他离职的消息。这点让我太吃惊，因为在我的印象，他是少数对公司愚忠的人。可见其中必定有隐情。他人缘不好，所以得知他去向的人不多，好像大家都没兴趣知道。除了我。
原本以为永远失去联络的人，感谢神通广大的互联网，轻而易举给我查到他的动向。写了一封电邮，很快地得到答复。简短、工整又不失温暖的慰问。有些事情不会改变。他曾经不赏识我，但我还是相信他是一个重感情的人。从他电邮中文字的字体、颜色、大小、多年来不变，就能看得出来。
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
My #1 Pet Peeve
I do not like people cancelling dates on me. I just don't. There are many reasons why people cancel on dates, some people do it in advance, some people do it one hr before they are due to meet you. While I can live with the former, it is best served with an apology, preferably by phone or in person (never email or worse, sms), and (get this in your brain) an alternative.
Without an alternative, or an apology, the message you are sending is... "Someone more important just showed up, I gotta bump you outta my life. I'm only sorry because you are my spare tyre, and you have to learn it this way."
Maybe some people can live with being second best, but I can't. I like to think that I give my friends respect, and I hope they accord me with the same treatment. My time is just as valuable as yours. If we fixed a date, it means I blocked those hours JUST FOR YOU. It means I didn't plan anything with anyone else. If you cancel on me, it means...you know what... I might just have nothing to do that day. So, you wasted my life.
I guess my pet peeve all started in 2008 when I got mass-cancelled on by 3 friends on a Sunday date meant for 5. We were supposed to go ktv. Within 2 hrs of the date, 3 cancelled citing all sorts of weird excuses -- sick, work, and get this... gotta help mother do housework. It's interesting that you realise you are violently ill just 2 hrs before our date which we planned a month ago. It's also interesting that you are exploited by your boss and you are ok with it. And it's most hilarious that you are filial to your mom when you realise that 2 out of 4 of your friends are not going to ktv with you. I was already on my way to the date, so the 4th friend agreed to meet me afterall, but she was about 1 hour late, and by then I was already fuming. On my way home I remembered it poured heavily, and I had only mt tiny blue umbrella for shelter. I thought to myself, "If I fell and got run down by a car now because I showed up for a date which didn't happen, would any of my friends that cancelled on me feel bad?" My friendship with all 3 died that year because they didn't offer the apology or alternative I was waiting for. I was disappointed but not really sad. I guess our friendship died a long time ago, which is way I was not on their priority list that rainy weekend.
Since then I've been cancelled on many other times. 2 recent examples were: 1) a friend who claimed she was busy with work, then updated her facebook to say how much she loved watching "Thor" with her husband that same day she was supposed to go out with me. I gave her a piece of my mind via her FB wall and her insincere sms explanation. 2) my brother cancelling a date with me to go out with this girl he fancied. And when it was all over, he told me "I don't even regret it." The only reason I didn't want to quarrel with him that night was because it would affect my sleep.
I try to send a strong msg on how this is really a pet peeve to me. Most people do learn from their mistake and apologise. Others are less sensitive. Those people I just cut them loose from my life. Because they are so insensitive, they probably don't know it.
The good side to this is, it has made me treasure friends who DO make time for me. Sincerity goes a long way and it can't be taught. Would I take a friend who's cancelled on me back? Perhaps, if he/she apologises in person or by phone, and what the heck, email and sms is ok depending on how much I used to like the person. Afterall, sometimes people do learn from mistakes. And I can to, from making friends with the wrong person once.
Without an alternative, or an apology, the message you are sending is... "Someone more important just showed up, I gotta bump you outta my life. I'm only sorry because you are my spare tyre, and you have to learn it this way."
Maybe some people can live with being second best, but I can't. I like to think that I give my friends respect, and I hope they accord me with the same treatment. My time is just as valuable as yours. If we fixed a date, it means I blocked those hours JUST FOR YOU. It means I didn't plan anything with anyone else. If you cancel on me, it means...you know what... I might just have nothing to do that day. So, you wasted my life.
I guess my pet peeve all started in 2008 when I got mass-cancelled on by 3 friends on a Sunday date meant for 5. We were supposed to go ktv. Within 2 hrs of the date, 3 cancelled citing all sorts of weird excuses -- sick, work, and get this... gotta help mother do housework. It's interesting that you realise you are violently ill just 2 hrs before our date which we planned a month ago. It's also interesting that you are exploited by your boss and you are ok with it. And it's most hilarious that you are filial to your mom when you realise that 2 out of 4 of your friends are not going to ktv with you. I was already on my way to the date, so the 4th friend agreed to meet me afterall, but she was about 1 hour late, and by then I was already fuming. On my way home I remembered it poured heavily, and I had only mt tiny blue umbrella for shelter. I thought to myself, "If I fell and got run down by a car now because I showed up for a date which didn't happen, would any of my friends that cancelled on me feel bad?" My friendship with all 3 died that year because they didn't offer the apology or alternative I was waiting for. I was disappointed but not really sad. I guess our friendship died a long time ago, which is way I was not on their priority list that rainy weekend.
Since then I've been cancelled on many other times. 2 recent examples were: 1) a friend who claimed she was busy with work, then updated her facebook to say how much she loved watching "Thor" with her husband that same day she was supposed to go out with me. I gave her a piece of my mind via her FB wall and her insincere sms explanation. 2) my brother cancelling a date with me to go out with this girl he fancied. And when it was all over, he told me "I don't even regret it." The only reason I didn't want to quarrel with him that night was because it would affect my sleep.
I try to send a strong msg on how this is really a pet peeve to me. Most people do learn from their mistake and apologise. Others are less sensitive. Those people I just cut them loose from my life. Because they are so insensitive, they probably don't know it.
The good side to this is, it has made me treasure friends who DO make time for me. Sincerity goes a long way and it can't be taught. Would I take a friend who's cancelled on me back? Perhaps, if he/she apologises in person or by phone, and what the heck, email and sms is ok depending on how much I used to like the person. Afterall, sometimes people do learn from mistakes. And I can to, from making friends with the wrong person once.
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