其实我蛮喜欢一个人的。享受一个人的时间，以我的速度，做我喜爱做的事。我不喜欢被人或突来事牵绊。
上个月，在没有学生陪同下，偶尔独自闲逛台北，看得和逛得更多。我并不怕孤单，更曾想过如果今后终究单身，就必须要习惯孤单、享受自由。我觉得这个可能性颇大，因为我对结婚生子兴致缺缺。
喜欢那份独来独往的惬意，但无法否认，有时看到新奇的事物，当下希望有个朋友在身边同我见证。
矛盾的心情，依然我行我素的行径。我享受我的孤独，也乐于承认偶尔害怕寂寞的心情。
Monday, January 02, 2012
Saturday, November 19, 2011
心動
十二年前第一次在MTV频道听到这首歌，就十分喜欢。那是一部新电影〈心动〉的宣传曲，由我喜欢的莫文蔚主演。MV中的金城武演出年少轻狂的音乐浪子，帅毙了。
重新演绎经典并非易事，陈洁仪凭着深厚的舞台剧底子做到了。如果林晓陪唱出的是初恋的遗憾，陈洁仪唱出的时过境迁后“怀念的勇气”，少了悔恨，多了一份云淡风轻的释怀。
同样是曾经心动，不同的时间点回想，已是不同心情。
心動
詞：林夕
有多久沒見你 以為你在哪裡
原來就住在我心底 陪伴著我的呼吸
有多遠的距離 以為聞不到你氣息
誰知道你背影這麼長 回頭就看到你
過去讓它過去 來不及
從頭喜歡你 白雲纏繞著藍天
哦 ~
如果不能夠永遠走在一起
也至少給我們懷念的勇氣 擁抱的權利
好讓你明白 我心動的痕跡
總是想再見你 還試著打探你消息
原來你就住在我的身體 守護我的回憶
重新演绎经典并非易事，陈洁仪凭着深厚的舞台剧底子做到了。如果林晓陪唱出的是初恋的遗憾，陈洁仪唱出的时过境迁后“怀念的勇气”，少了悔恨，多了一份云淡风轻的释怀。
同样是曾经心动，不同的时间点回想，已是不同心情。
心動
詞：林夕
有多久沒見你 以為你在哪裡
原來就住在我心底 陪伴著我的呼吸
有多遠的距離 以為聞不到你氣息
誰知道你背影這麼長 回頭就看到你
過去讓它過去 來不及
從頭喜歡你 白雲纏繞著藍天
哦 ~
如果不能夠永遠走在一起
也至少給我們懷念的勇氣 擁抱的權利
好讓你明白 我心動的痕跡
總是想再見你 還試著打探你消息
原來你就住在我的身體 守護我的回憶
Sunday, September 25, 2011
我對不起我
田馥甄在專輯內所攢寫:
"要選擇活在黑暗中
還是死在光明下？
膽小鬼 膽小得自愛 自愛得太膽小
在兩者當中怯懦的選擇太久
什麼也沒選到
什麼也不敢選
最後沒死過 但 也沒真的活過..."
我對不起我
詞：林夕
我給你的你用不著了
你也失去該有的快樂
付出的溫柔再不屬於我
你無福消受誰應該難過
沒事了 沒事嗎 堅強得太寂寞
腦袋空空 難道是我要的結果
愛給了我什麼 沒沉淪就超脫
愛不能傷害我 還是我沒愛過
我沒做錯什麼 卻把一切錯過
你是愛不起我 我也對不起我
不敢看你就嘗試看破
別讓傷口有機會發作
為小說劇情而驚心動魄
好證明淚腺還沒有萎縮
沒事了 沒事嗎 自愛得太寂寞
一身清白 難道是我要的結果
愛給了我什麼 沒沉淪就超脫
愛不能傷害我 還是我沒愛過
我沒做錯什麼 卻把一切錯過
你是愛不起我 我也對不起我
愛偷走我什麼 沒損失更失落
愛不能傷害我 是福氣還是禍
我沒膽量犯錯 才把一切錯過
你沒能留住我 我卻對不住我
----
这应该是我的心声。“错过”与“受伤”一直是我所害怕的。于是，我的心不送人，没机会受伤，也没机会真心爱过。林夕大师又一次的神来之笔。
李雨寰一直是我喜欢的音乐人, 这歌的编曲跟《狂恋》一样迂回荡漾, very haunting。
The Passing of Ah Ma
I've always wondered how I would react to my paternal grandma's death. She's been immobile and senile for years. For the last 6 years or so, she's been well.... existing.
When she was well, she wasn't the most loving grandma. There was a missing maternal side to her. She was mostly critical, offensive, sarcastic in most of the things she said. Living with her, there were plenty of opportunities to bear the brunt of her evil tongue. She didn't like my maternal relatives and did little to hide that dislike. She wasn't extremely kind to my mother and saw her as a competitor for my dad's affection, who matured from a meek daughter-in-law, to one who dared to speak her mind, over the years.
But did she love us? Yes she did, in her awkward way of cooking unsavoury dishes when cooking wasn't her strength; in her way of attempting to speak to us in Mandarin which wasn't her strength; in her way of throwing allowances to us, because the act of giving wasn't something she'd naturally do.
I remember myself as a three-year-old, propped up on the shop counter by my grandparents. And my grandma would ask me the same line every other day -- “大小姐，你好吗？” And I would reply resoundingly with a “好！”
I cried as I watch my grandma die slowly on 11th Sep 2011, ten years after 911. It was a painful moment. A tear trinkled down her face. Unhappy when she was a sane person, I think she left this world with some regrets.
When someone close dies, a part of you dies with them. And you are never the same again. I will remember her as the grandma who was stern, shrewd but ultimately wanted best for this family.
RIP Madam Tan Mui. May you be happy, wherever you are.
When she was well, she wasn't the most loving grandma. There was a missing maternal side to her. She was mostly critical, offensive, sarcastic in most of the things she said. Living with her, there were plenty of opportunities to bear the brunt of her evil tongue. She didn't like my maternal relatives and did little to hide that dislike. She wasn't extremely kind to my mother and saw her as a competitor for my dad's affection, who matured from a meek daughter-in-law, to one who dared to speak her mind, over the years.
But did she love us? Yes she did, in her awkward way of cooking unsavoury dishes when cooking wasn't her strength; in her way of attempting to speak to us in Mandarin which wasn't her strength; in her way of throwing allowances to us, because the act of giving wasn't something she'd naturally do.
I remember myself as a three-year-old, propped up on the shop counter by my grandparents. And my grandma would ask me the same line every other day -- “大小姐，你好吗？” And I would reply resoundingly with a “好！”
I cried as I watch my grandma die slowly on 11th Sep 2011, ten years after 911. It was a painful moment. A tear trinkled down her face. Unhappy when she was a sane person, I think she left this world with some regrets.
When someone close dies, a part of you dies with them. And you are never the same again. I will remember her as the grandma who was stern, shrewd but ultimately wanted best for this family.
RIP Madam Tan Mui. May you be happy, wherever you are.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
新仇旧恨
昔日同窗雪慧在Facebook上寄了一个friend request。认识我十年以上的好友都会记得雪慧曾在十一年前严重出卖过我。陈年往事，来龙去脉就不写了。有半年时间，每想到她的背叛，我都一定哭。所幸，到目前为止雪慧是唯一出卖过我的朋友。
我记得那时刚进大一。友情决裂后，我自叹倒霉。大学生涯才刚开始，意味着我还要花4年时间面对一个敌人。我们科系太小，常有合作的机会。时间久了，我学会掩饰我对她的敌意，但毕业后我们就断了联系。偶尔从共同的朋友口中知道她的近况，知道她在报社混地不好，没有延续梦想的记者工作，最后结婚生子，投入家庭。
我在Facebook写着不知要不要accept 十年前的仇人的friend request，便有好几个大学同学算出那正是我们同在南大的日子，纷纷八卦地问我是谁。最后我透过MSN与一位同学倾诉心声，没想到字打到一半，竟然落泪了。
我很震惊。我以为经过十一年，时间早已冲淡所有不好的心情。可是，原来愤怒与怨恨的烙印可以褪掉，但那份被好友出卖过的伤痛永远都在。没有所谓原不原谅，如果要归咎，就是我当时太看重友情。我无法接受随意伤害我的人，就是我自认为好友的人。
眼泪替我整理了思绪，原来决定那么容易。我删除了friend request。吃一次亏，学一次乖。我不敢再冒这个险。这辈子，杨雪慧都不会再是我的朋友。
不然就枉费了我的眼泪。
我记得那时刚进大一。友情决裂后，我自叹倒霉。大学生涯才刚开始，意味着我还要花4年时间面对一个敌人。我们科系太小，常有合作的机会。时间久了，我学会掩饰我对她的敌意，但毕业后我们就断了联系。偶尔从共同的朋友口中知道她的近况，知道她在报社混地不好，没有延续梦想的记者工作，最后结婚生子，投入家庭。
我在Facebook写着不知要不要accept 十年前的仇人的friend request，便有好几个大学同学算出那正是我们同在南大的日子，纷纷八卦地问我是谁。最后我透过MSN与一位同学倾诉心声，没想到字打到一半，竟然落泪了。
我很震惊。我以为经过十一年，时间早已冲淡所有不好的心情。可是，原来愤怒与怨恨的烙印可以褪掉，但那份被好友出卖过的伤痛永远都在。没有所谓原不原谅，如果要归咎，就是我当时太看重友情。我无法接受随意伤害我的人，就是我自认为好友的人。
眼泪替我整理了思绪，原来决定那么容易。我删除了friend request。吃一次亏，学一次乖。我不敢再冒这个险。这辈子，杨雪慧都不会再是我的朋友。
不然就枉费了我的眼泪。
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