Was clearing my cabinet when I came across this personality profile I did, 1.5 years ago.
I am an IFNJ - Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judging
"Succeed by perserverance, originality and a desire to do whatever is needed or wanted. Put their best efforts into their work. Quietly forceful, conscientious and concerned for others. Respected for their firm principles. Likely to be honoured and followed for their clear convinctions as to how best to serve the comment good. "
That was 1.5 years ago. Not sure if it still stands true. Some bits are still similar to my current traits. But people change. Should do another test soon.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
I Slit My Wrists In A Dream
Today was the first day I cried this year, and the first time I cried in this job.
I got reprimanded, together with another colleague, for not being able to follow through a project. I had always thought it was a case of my going on leave, and not being able to follow through. But apparently, the Boss took over because she thought I wouldn't be able to finish it on time, because I couldn't keep up. It really hurt, considering the fact that I put up 10.5 hours of work on average 5 days a week. So basically I work long hours, and it's still not enough.
There are many implications to this. Was I essentially poor worker? Were my job expectations mismatched with my boss' expectations? Was my boss wrong for hiring me, when she should have gotten someone more experienced? Was it the bad time of the month to do this project (happened in Dec, tons of hols, and tons of people on leave)? Was my workload too heavy, such that I could not devote more attention to this project? Am I in the wrong company (because I cannot fit into the culture, pace, etc)? Am I in the wrong department? Am I in the wrong job aspect? Though I'm new at the job, am I not improving up to speed to meet expectations?
And if the answer to all of the above is "yes", do I quit? And if I do, then the scary question is, what am I doing with my life? Since graduation, I have revisited this issue of identity many times. The cookie-cutter education system had eroded my instinct to pursue my real passions, and my Chinese upbringing (where parents downplay your strengths to make you humble) had crushed my confidence growing up. And now that I am nearing 30, that fear is even more pronunced as I feel time is running out for me to discover myself.
This weekend will be tough as I struggle to find answers, and bring them to the table in my discussion with the Boss next week. I'm not sure what resolution there will be. But I'm tired, physically and mentally. But compared to my last job, before I was about to quit, I'm not yet defeated. So probably I won't quit yet.
But will I ride out this storm? Just like when I rode out storms when I was in the previous firm, and emerged stronger and better? Could it be a passing phase?
I can't say.
I got reprimanded, together with another colleague, for not being able to follow through a project. I had always thought it was a case of my going on leave, and not being able to follow through. But apparently, the Boss took over because she thought I wouldn't be able to finish it on time, because I couldn't keep up. It really hurt, considering the fact that I put up 10.5 hours of work on average 5 days a week. So basically I work long hours, and it's still not enough.
There are many implications to this. Was I essentially poor worker? Were my job expectations mismatched with my boss' expectations? Was my boss wrong for hiring me, when she should have gotten someone more experienced? Was it the bad time of the month to do this project (happened in Dec, tons of hols, and tons of people on leave)? Was my workload too heavy, such that I could not devote more attention to this project? Am I in the wrong company (because I cannot fit into the culture, pace, etc)? Am I in the wrong department? Am I in the wrong job aspect? Though I'm new at the job, am I not improving up to speed to meet expectations?
And if the answer to all of the above is "yes", do I quit? And if I do, then the scary question is, what am I doing with my life? Since graduation, I have revisited this issue of identity many times. The cookie-cutter education system had eroded my instinct to pursue my real passions, and my Chinese upbringing (where parents downplay your strengths to make you humble) had crushed my confidence growing up. And now that I am nearing 30, that fear is even more pronunced as I feel time is running out for me to discover myself.
This weekend will be tough as I struggle to find answers, and bring them to the table in my discussion with the Boss next week. I'm not sure what resolution there will be. But I'm tired, physically and mentally. But compared to my last job, before I was about to quit, I'm not yet defeated. So probably I won't quit yet.
But will I ride out this storm? Just like when I rode out storms when I was in the previous firm, and emerged stronger and better? Could it be a passing phase?
I can't say.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
My 2008
2008 was a significantly different year for me on so many different levels. I began the year in Egypt where I experienced 2 New Year countdowns (one in Egypt time, one in Singapore time). Epiphany dawned on me when I realised that time waits for no one and it wasn't everyday that you have a second chance at anything. (Then) I was about to turn 27, and hadn't accomplished much in my life because I was too cautious with my life. And so I made a bold resolution. For every month of my life, I would try something commendable that I had never done previously.
And I did. I stuck to my resolution for every month of 2008.
Were there good decisions? You bet.
Were there times I wished I didn't jump into the unknown for the sake of my resolution? Definitely.
All in all, 2008 was indeed my year of change. And with all changes, come good and poor consequences. But regardless of the results, you mature from the experiences, and I like to believe that makes you a better person.
In no order of importance, here are other things which I will remember 2008 for:
1. Facebook
I got a bit hooked on Facebook this year but grew out of the stupid quizzes, blow-kisses, online friend trading as quickly as they came. I reunited with people from my past -- ex-classmates, ex-colleagues, ex-best friends, etc. Some reunions were cute and others were disappointing to the extent that I wished we never met again, so that I would remember the person at his/her best. Facebook has a wide variety of functions and even enabled me to sell an item. It also exposed my privacy to the eyes of people who cannot mind their own business. Eg. my new Boss. We even got into a small conflict as she wanted me to moderate the organisation group, when I was still new in the company and wanted to keep the knowledge of where I was working at, a secret from the prying eyes of my ex-colleagues. The next day she apologised to me. That was such a surprise.
2. MyPaper
Speaking of writing, this year, I became a real columnist. In 6 months, I've contributed 7 articles to a local English/Mandarin daily, MyPaper. Not sure what the exact readership is, but it is distributed in some offices, schools and at MRTs. I googled my name once and I was pleasantly surprised to see my article quoted on someone else's blog. I'm proud to say that all my articles were in Mandarin, something which became possible due to my constant practice in Chinese writing on my blog. :)
3. Investment Woes
As part of my every-month-wanting-to-do-something-new resolution, I decided to try investment of my CPF savings despite my cynical father's threats. I should have listened to him or be more prudent cos the economic crisis really did me in. But no use crying over split milk. Just holding onto the paper losses and hopefully the long haul will turn things around.
4. Beauty Personified
This year I became a very active online seller (from organising online overseas clothing shopping sprees), raking in considerable cash (which of cos is good considering that it cancels out a good portion of what I lost with the investment boo-boo). I began selling clothes and knick-knacks (new and old) in Yahoo Auctions last year, but around May Yahoo Auctions just died. The Yahoo folks lied about some technical error but I think they were already trying to wind up the entity. By then, I had garnered a steady but pretty loyal following, and some were encouraging me to set up a blogshop. And so I did. I'm pretty proud of myself cos I used to be a real tech idiot but my experience at my previous workplace gave me some web background and in mid June, my blogshop, Beauty Personified, opened. My little sideline continues to do okay, though it has slipped somewhat since the economic crisis.
5. Change of Jobs
I left my second job of 2.5 years because of mainly push reasons, which I have posted on and off on this blog. I endured a lot in the first 6 months of the year before I came to the decision to leave. It was especially tough because I did have a sense of belonging here, which I didn't have in my very first job. Also, I was offered another lifeline towards the end -- a transfer to Corporate Communications, which ironically was the department I applied before I joined. Life is really weird. Sometimes the right things just to have appear at the right time. Leaving was so tough that I wrote 5 farewell letters to 5 groups of people - whom I called "Those Who Matter", to thank them for everything. I can't say I love my new job now. I'm too tired mostly to feel passionate. The workload or rather, deadlines, are crazy. I'm still adjusting. But the people are real nice, a sweet surprise.
6. Surveying My Options
I made a conscious effort to date this year, and to give people who showed an interest in me a chance. I've made more friends, but I can't say I seriously like any of them romantically. Just playing the field I guess.
2008 will also be remembered as the year which I met a weirdo who claimed to have fallen for me at first sight. Well, he turned out to be a bit freaky, even on the online arena, so nothing happened beyond that. But I will always remember his crazy quote when I suggested that we get to know each other online. "I'm not interested in a virtual relationship". Too bad I didn't get the chance to say, "I'm not interested in any relationship -- with you".
7. Taiwan
I gotta go to my favourite country, Taiwan this year. I love Taiwan, from all the TV programmes that I watched. Love the culture, food, fashion, language slangs, etc. Unfortunately the tour we followed wasn't satisfactory so I didn't have the most fun. Hope to go back again, to savour the atmosphere and have more time to eat and shop. Plus meet up with my good online friend, Chanjuan, who's been helping me with my online spree payments, and never asking for anything back. Bless her.
8. Old Friends, New Friends
I lost a couple of friends this year (or maybe before this) because of a date which didn't happen. I wrote a MyPaper entry about being stood-up, and got pretty good response from friends who read it. It's no surprise that the people who responded strongly were those who were always the ones begging for a reunion, and having to collate everyone's availability, then having to redo it when someone can't make it. Only one apology came after the big stand-up (the rest probably didn't know I was angry or worse, didn't care). I admit I was brash to tell the one who apologised off. But she chose a bad time to apologise. Did I see this state of things coming? Totally. Did it hurt? Totally. Does it still hurt? Nope. This incident taught me that life is too short to spend on people who do not care. And on the positive side, I made a conscious effort to care for people who treasure my friendship. And so I embraced new friends, but I will still remember my old friends. They are not my enemies. I am what I am today, because of their companionship as I was growing up. But at some point, when they let go, you have to too.
The almanac says this will be a good year for my zodiac sign. I wonder how 2009 will pan out.
And I did. I stuck to my resolution for every month of 2008.
Were there good decisions? You bet.
Were there times I wished I didn't jump into the unknown for the sake of my resolution? Definitely.
All in all, 2008 was indeed my year of change. And with all changes, come good and poor consequences. But regardless of the results, you mature from the experiences, and I like to believe that makes you a better person.
In no order of importance, here are other things which I will remember 2008 for:
1. Facebook
I got a bit hooked on Facebook this year but grew out of the stupid quizzes, blow-kisses, online friend trading as quickly as they came. I reunited with people from my past -- ex-classmates, ex-colleagues, ex-best friends, etc. Some reunions were cute and others were disappointing to the extent that I wished we never met again, so that I would remember the person at his/her best. Facebook has a wide variety of functions and even enabled me to sell an item. It also exposed my privacy to the eyes of people who cannot mind their own business. Eg. my new Boss. We even got into a small conflict as she wanted me to moderate the organisation group, when I was still new in the company and wanted to keep the knowledge of where I was working at, a secret from the prying eyes of my ex-colleagues. The next day she apologised to me. That was such a surprise.
2. MyPaper
Speaking of writing, this year, I became a real columnist. In 6 months, I've contributed 7 articles to a local English/Mandarin daily, MyPaper. Not sure what the exact readership is, but it is distributed in some offices, schools and at MRTs. I googled my name once and I was pleasantly surprised to see my article quoted on someone else's blog. I'm proud to say that all my articles were in Mandarin, something which became possible due to my constant practice in Chinese writing on my blog. :)
3. Investment Woes
As part of my every-month-wanting-to-do-something-new resolution, I decided to try investment of my CPF savings despite my cynical father's threats. I should have listened to him or be more prudent cos the economic crisis really did me in. But no use crying over split milk. Just holding onto the paper losses and hopefully the long haul will turn things around.
4. Beauty Personified
This year I became a very active online seller (from organising online overseas clothing shopping sprees), raking in considerable cash (which of cos is good considering that it cancels out a good portion of what I lost with the investment boo-boo). I began selling clothes and knick-knacks (new and old) in Yahoo Auctions last year, but around May Yahoo Auctions just died. The Yahoo folks lied about some technical error but I think they were already trying to wind up the entity. By then, I had garnered a steady but pretty loyal following, and some were encouraging me to set up a blogshop. And so I did. I'm pretty proud of myself cos I used to be a real tech idiot but my experience at my previous workplace gave me some web background and in mid June, my blogshop, Beauty Personified, opened. My little sideline continues to do okay, though it has slipped somewhat since the economic crisis.
5. Change of Jobs
I left my second job of 2.5 years because of mainly push reasons, which I have posted on and off on this blog. I endured a lot in the first 6 months of the year before I came to the decision to leave. It was especially tough because I did have a sense of belonging here, which I didn't have in my very first job. Also, I was offered another lifeline towards the end -- a transfer to Corporate Communications, which ironically was the department I applied before I joined. Life is really weird. Sometimes the right things just to have appear at the right time. Leaving was so tough that I wrote 5 farewell letters to 5 groups of people - whom I called "Those Who Matter", to thank them for everything. I can't say I love my new job now. I'm too tired mostly to feel passionate. The workload or rather, deadlines, are crazy. I'm still adjusting. But the people are real nice, a sweet surprise.
6. Surveying My Options
I made a conscious effort to date this year, and to give people who showed an interest in me a chance. I've made more friends, but I can't say I seriously like any of them romantically. Just playing the field I guess.
2008 will also be remembered as the year which I met a weirdo who claimed to have fallen for me at first sight. Well, he turned out to be a bit freaky, even on the online arena, so nothing happened beyond that. But I will always remember his crazy quote when I suggested that we get to know each other online. "I'm not interested in a virtual relationship". Too bad I didn't get the chance to say, "I'm not interested in any relationship -- with you".
7. Taiwan
I gotta go to my favourite country, Taiwan this year. I love Taiwan, from all the TV programmes that I watched. Love the culture, food, fashion, language slangs, etc. Unfortunately the tour we followed wasn't satisfactory so I didn't have the most fun. Hope to go back again, to savour the atmosphere and have more time to eat and shop. Plus meet up with my good online friend, Chanjuan, who's been helping me with my online spree payments, and never asking for anything back. Bless her.
8. Old Friends, New Friends
I lost a couple of friends this year (or maybe before this) because of a date which didn't happen. I wrote a MyPaper entry about being stood-up, and got pretty good response from friends who read it. It's no surprise that the people who responded strongly were those who were always the ones begging for a reunion, and having to collate everyone's availability, then having to redo it when someone can't make it. Only one apology came after the big stand-up (the rest probably didn't know I was angry or worse, didn't care). I admit I was brash to tell the one who apologised off. But she chose a bad time to apologise. Did I see this state of things coming? Totally. Did it hurt? Totally. Does it still hurt? Nope. This incident taught me that life is too short to spend on people who do not care. And on the positive side, I made a conscious effort to care for people who treasure my friendship. And so I embraced new friends, but I will still remember my old friends. They are not my enemies. I am what I am today, because of their companionship as I was growing up. But at some point, when they let go, you have to too.
The almanac says this will be a good year for my zodiac sign. I wonder how 2009 will pan out.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
诚意会带来掌声
《小娘惹》播完完结篇，相信许多观众将对剧中依依不舍。播了一个半月，《小娘惹》为近年平平无奇的本地电视剧，创造多个许久不见的佳绩。先是打破八年来的收视率记录、后来在Compass Point的唯一一场剧中演员见面会更是出现水泄不通的人龙。
《小娘惹》的成功不是偶然。被电视台堪称为年度重头剧，宣传功夫自然高人一等。这包括电视上的制作特辑、台庆节目中的热情呼吁、杂志中的特别专访、网站上的番外篇、剧中艺人在部落格上分享心情点滴等等。
看戏的人多，自然就有负面的评语。 《小娘惹》播出以来就面对许多观众针对剧情而发出的质疑。 令人想不透的情节包括：菊香母女被抛下深海怎么还能浮上岸又安然无恙？日军为什么狠心害死了月娘父母却又良心发现帮她埋葬父母？小月娘小小年纪怎么会易如反掌地从新加坡到马六甲寻亲？刘一刀明明与月娘成婚，怎么后来在没有悔婚的情况下，又怎么变回兄妹？
站在创作人的角度，观众的部分质疑的确过于吹毛求疵。电视戏剧嘛，难免有煽情的情节、夸张的言行、偏激的人物性格，这样才有戏剧张力，令观众留下印象，也配合《小娘惹》这么声势浩荡的排场。如果每个细节都追根究底，恐怕又有观众会嫌故事拖泥带水，侮辱观众的智慧！不过，电视台还是要吸取观众的评语，好的该听，不好的更该听。曾经读过某个电视台高层的访问，他说一直推出围绕在饮食业的家庭伦理剧，是为了迎合观众的需求。观众喜欢看，所以才不停制作。其实这是错误的讯息。看一看收视记录就知道，饮食业的家庭伦理剧一直在下滑。除了早期的《荷兰村》，其他的印象实在模糊，只记得里头一定有兄弟为钱财反目、妯娌间必定拉大嗓门明争暗斗……电视台网站也有forum，撇开影迷的口水战，里头其实有许多观众对本地电视制作的期许和良性的建议。
《小娘惹》编剧洪荣狄曾经在报章为故事“漏洞”作出解释。当时他沮丧的说：“听不到观众的掌声，有点寂寞。”我想跟洪先生说他酝酿了八年的故事没有白费。从演员的表现、服装的设计、美术指导等等，都透露了电视台和制作组的用心。有诚意的作品会有观众的掌声。从网路每天排山倒海的剧情讨论，和人们茶余饭后的谈论看来，《小娘惹》成为了全国讨论的焦点。本地剧集已经好久没有引起这么广泛的支持了。这不就是掌声吗？
《小娘惹》的成功不是偶然。被电视台堪称为年度重头剧，宣传功夫自然高人一等。这包括电视上的制作特辑、台庆节目中的热情呼吁、杂志中的特别专访、网站上的番外篇、剧中艺人在部落格上分享心情点滴等等。
看戏的人多，自然就有负面的评语。 《小娘惹》播出以来就面对许多观众针对剧情而发出的质疑。 令人想不透的情节包括：菊香母女被抛下深海怎么还能浮上岸又安然无恙？日军为什么狠心害死了月娘父母却又良心发现帮她埋葬父母？小月娘小小年纪怎么会易如反掌地从新加坡到马六甲寻亲？刘一刀明明与月娘成婚，怎么后来在没有悔婚的情况下，又怎么变回兄妹？
站在创作人的角度，观众的部分质疑的确过于吹毛求疵。电视戏剧嘛，难免有煽情的情节、夸张的言行、偏激的人物性格，这样才有戏剧张力，令观众留下印象，也配合《小娘惹》这么声势浩荡的排场。如果每个细节都追根究底，恐怕又有观众会嫌故事拖泥带水，侮辱观众的智慧！不过，电视台还是要吸取观众的评语，好的该听，不好的更该听。曾经读过某个电视台高层的访问，他说一直推出围绕在饮食业的家庭伦理剧，是为了迎合观众的需求。观众喜欢看，所以才不停制作。其实这是错误的讯息。看一看收视记录就知道，饮食业的家庭伦理剧一直在下滑。除了早期的《荷兰村》，其他的印象实在模糊，只记得里头一定有兄弟为钱财反目、妯娌间必定拉大嗓门明争暗斗……电视台网站也有forum，撇开影迷的口水战，里头其实有许多观众对本地电视制作的期许和良性的建议。
《小娘惹》编剧洪荣狄曾经在报章为故事“漏洞”作出解释。当时他沮丧的说：“听不到观众的掌声，有点寂寞。”我想跟洪先生说他酝酿了八年的故事没有白费。从演员的表现、服装的设计、美术指导等等，都透露了电视台和制作组的用心。有诚意的作品会有观众的掌声。从网路每天排山倒海的剧情讨论，和人们茶余饭后的谈论看来，《小娘惹》成为了全国讨论的焦点。本地剧集已经好久没有引起这么广泛的支持了。这不就是掌声吗？
Sunday, December 28, 2008
倒带人生
作词:葛大为
早午餐 越吃越昏沉
咖啡 提不了神
留我满嘴的 苦涩
低头等 车厢再开门
站着 同几个人
曾经 我们两个人
这个 过份认真的人生
不怀念 曾经多天真
习惯了分分合合
每次唱 生日快乐
旧愿望 还没发生
又得想 几个新的
回忆 只剩下局部
就算再和你 倒带人生
能失而复得
那时 环游世界的梦
也不再做了 只要依靠着
晚餐 还是一个人
你曾经坐在这
微笑着 热汤给我喝
想到就很快乐
我真的知足 够了
想念不小心 跳针了
别担心了 都过去了
晚餐 还是一个人
你曾经坐在这
第几餐 我都不记得
想到就很快乐
我真的知足 够了
偶尔想起你
自言自语 点点滴滴
幸福是个秘密
享受却不知情
深夜里 重播的 旧黑白片
想启示 我什么 人生真言
我都感激 已经很随性 已经很随性
回忆 只剩下局部
就算再和你 倒带人生
能失而复得
那时 环游世界的梦
如果再做了 有没有可能
晚餐 还是一个人
你曾经坐在这
另一份 碗盘是你的
想到就很快乐
我真的知足 够了
想念不小心 跳针了
别担心了 都过去了
时间不小心 停格了
别在意了 会过去的
---
很爱这首歌。释怀是EQ中很高的境界。大方放手何尝不是幸福？还是那句老话，不在乎天长地久地久，只在乎曾经拥有。如何知道已经释怀？当你想起过去，心里无苦涩只有感激，嘴角扬起浅浅微笑时......
早午餐 越吃越昏沉
咖啡 提不了神
留我满嘴的 苦涩
低头等 车厢再开门
站着 同几个人
曾经 我们两个人
这个 过份认真的人生
不怀念 曾经多天真
习惯了分分合合
每次唱 生日快乐
旧愿望 还没发生
又得想 几个新的
回忆 只剩下局部
就算再和你 倒带人生
能失而复得
那时 环游世界的梦
也不再做了 只要依靠着
晚餐 还是一个人
你曾经坐在这
微笑着 热汤给我喝
想到就很快乐
我真的知足 够了
想念不小心 跳针了
别担心了 都过去了
晚餐 还是一个人
你曾经坐在这
第几餐 我都不记得
想到就很快乐
我真的知足 够了
偶尔想起你
自言自语 点点滴滴
幸福是个秘密
享受却不知情
深夜里 重播的 旧黑白片
想启示 我什么 人生真言
我都感激 已经很随性 已经很随性
回忆 只剩下局部
就算再和你 倒带人生
能失而复得
那时 环游世界的梦
如果再做了 有没有可能
晚餐 还是一个人
你曾经坐在这
另一份 碗盘是你的
想到就很快乐
我真的知足 够了
想念不小心 跳针了
别担心了 都过去了
时间不小心 停格了
别在意了 会过去的
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很爱这首歌。释怀是EQ中很高的境界。大方放手何尝不是幸福？还是那句老话，不在乎天长地久地久，只在乎曾经拥有。如何知道已经释怀？当你想起过去，心里无苦涩只有感激，嘴角扬起浅浅微笑时......
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