I Slit My Wrists In A Dream

Today was the first day I cried this year, and the first time I cried in this job.

I got reprimanded, together with another colleague, for not being able to follow through a project. I had always thought it was a case of my going on leave, and not being able to follow through. But apparently, the Boss took over because she thought I wouldn't be able to finish it on time, because I couldn't keep up. It really hurt, considering the fact that I put up 10.5 hours of work on average 5 days a week. So basically I work long hours, and it's still not enough.

There are many implications to this. Was I essentially poor worker? Were my job expectations mismatched with my boss' expectations? Was my boss wrong for hiring me, when she should have gotten someone more experienced? Was it the bad time of the month to do this project (happened in Dec, tons of hols, and tons of people on leave)? Was my workload too heavy, such that I could not devote more attention to this project? Am I in the wrong company (because I cannot fit into the culture, pace, etc)? Am I in the wrong department? Am I in the wrong job aspect? Though I'm new at the job, am I not improving up to speed to meet expectations?

And if the answer to all of the above is "yes", do I quit? And if I do, then the scary question is, what am I doing with my life? Since graduation, I have revisited this issue of identity many times. The cookie-cutter education system had eroded my instinct to pursue my real passions, and my Chinese upbringing (where parents downplay your strengths to make you humble) had crushed my confidence growing up. And now that I am nearing 30, that fear is even more pronunced as I feel time is running out for me to discover myself.

This weekend will be tough as I struggle to find answers, and bring them to the table in my discussion with the Boss next week. I'm not sure what resolution there will be. But I'm tired, physically and mentally. But compared to my last job, before I was about to quit, I'm not yet defeated. So probably I won't quit yet.

But will I ride out this storm? Just like when I rode out storms when I was in the previous firm, and emerged stronger and better? Could it be a passing phase?

I can't say.